Today wasn't the best day.
I spent the day intermittently binging on cereal, pizza, Nutella, and then hurriedly throwing up, avoiding L off and on if I had to throw up and she was nearby.
Part of me felt horribly guilty, because I wondered if she knew what what I was doing, and another part of me just hated myself for continuing to give in and keep eating, only to compulsively throw it all up to feel empty again.
She did hint that she wondered where I had gone during her shower, and I know I don't generally disappear for periods of time.. I hate myself so much for it, especially since she's older and could, realistically, figure things out more easily.
I actually haven't had a really bad binging/purging day in a long time. Like, not just purging once, which I believe I did probably about a month ago, but cycles of binging and purging throughout the day or night. Being unable to just stop eating and then vomiting it as soon as I can.. Wanting to feel full after restricting for months, letting that mental tic finally get to me, but then wanting that empty feeling for reassurance more and needing to just throw up.
Then later, after I showed up to work and didn't need to be there, I got back home, and lay down with R to sleep after he spent a ton of time texting his new interest in Denver, which I do think is great. He really could use the boost in confidence, and I'm happy he has interest, especially since I know my losing weight has made me more aware of his.
But the stupid, sneaky, and ugly part of my brain sat there and thought "She's a lot thinner than I am, and I still have this belly fat, right above my belly button.." When I got up out of bed, I touched that part of my belly, and had a huge urge to want to rip it off, to have it gone.
C is plumper than I am, so I felt better about that, knowing that R was with someone who was plumper than me. But T is a lot thinner, and really.. I know I shouldn't feel like that's the deciding factor for my worth, but god damn, everyone has been telling me how good I look with the weight loss, and I hate that I apparently don't have the confidence to just not car . To not give a shit. To be okay without comparing myself to others.
But here I am, feeling like shit while waiting up on-call, not able to sleep, 0100 and wide awake with a growling belly, sipping Starbucks while I hate the fat still on my body, even though I feel so much healthier and better than I did just four months ago.
I love my butt, and I love how my legs look. I love how my arms are starting to get definition again, that my shoulders and collarbones are starting to pop again. I love my waistline slimming up, I even love my boobs shrinking so they're smaller, cuter.
I know the move and new relationships and changing so much is stressing me out, and has been for months. I stepped on the scale in June out of curiosity, and then started biking and getting active again to try and deal with the feelings of shame around being so heavy. Losing 30lbs in four month is a big deal, and I'm happy with it.
But..
In the back of my head, I wonder what I'm trying to control, what I'm compensating for, and what I'm doing to my mind as I get the results I want, but then deal with comparing myself to other women.
I know I shouldn't, and logically, I can tell myself over and over again that it doesn't matter, that my body is great and amazing the way that it is, for what it does.
But at the end of the day, I still see fat all over, and wonder if I'm thin enough to feel small again, like I could disappear beneath the weight of another person if I'm not cared. As horrible as it is.. I miss feeling that. That.. Empty waifishness.
I shouldn't miss that.
But here I am, missing it.
